Happy Holidays to all you darling people out there!
Before we dive into the wildness below, let’s open your holiday card!
Aww, you’re welcome!
I hope your days are filled with mountains of mashed potatoes, buckets of Bûche de Noël, garbage pails of gravyliciousness, and truck beds of holiday turkey-ham! I’m certain there’s more than enough people out there to fill a gravy barge who relate to me and my love for the smothering sauce – and this is why I feel so comfortable expressing some of my deepest secrets here. Wait, did you say gravy barge, Ivy? Does that even exist?!!! Why yes I did – and yes it does! And here is one to prove it!
Ok, so maybe I didn’t fool all you seasoned Photoshop gurus out there, but I bet I had some of ya for a second!
Today marks year two-in-a-row for spending my holidays away from my hometown and family, so I’ve been on quite the reminiscing roll lately. San Francisco is a marvelous place to spread your holiday cheer around, (you can smear it across the entire 7-mile city in just under an hour – which means more time to ride the gravy barge). However, nothing beats going back home to my folks in Florida, where both brown and white gravy resides at pretty much any restaurant, coffee shop, truck stop, parking lot – you name it! Ah, there’s such a carousel of fine memories to share, but since it’s Gravy Friday I think I’ll stick to the ones that just happened upon the table cloth…
When grandma’s gravy boat hit that tablecloth during the Holidays, the true fun unfolded. My mind would explode like confetti, full of exciting questions and analytical break-downs such as:
- If I pass the turkey tray over the gravy boat with my left hand, will it cast a dark enough shadow to hide my right hand while it grabs the gravy before anyone else?
- If I don’t get to that gravy boat first, what are the chances there will be any gravy skin left for me?
- If the gravy skin is gone, how long must the gravy sit untouched before the magical skin reappears?
- How much longer are we going to say grace?
- Why is there only one gravy boat for 20 people?
- Will granddaddy sling extra servings of gravy in his eyebrows again and claim he’s saving it for later?
- Look at how the candlelight shimmers off the tiny bubbles of gravy oil, like city lights on a brown velvet hill…
I wish I could say that these thoughts only existed during my childhood, but they actually followed me well into my late teens – and some still linger today (especially the gravy skin question). However, this is rather normal brainwork for a gravy enthusiast! It’s not like I’m conjuring up schematics to a gravy bomb on my napkin. I’m just pondering the daily concerns of a woman’s life in a gravy world. Just in case you will be wondering, I have many more of these ponderings to share with you in the near future. But for now…
Alas! The mental scrapbooks are going back into the closet, and it’s time unleash a special Holiday Gravy Friday Recipe for all you good boys and girls (and naughty ones too)! Now that I think of it, this recipe is very naughty…
I’d like to share this childhood favorite in honor of Gravy Friday. Gonna keep this short and sweet here.
After watching this for the first time in over two decades, I realized I must have slept on the “careful what you ask for” moral in this episode. I just remember drooling over the ending, so happy that Mr. Bad Doggiepants got a whole mess of free gravy and didn’t even have to move a pawnail to enjoy it. Even though he acts like such a horse’s ass the whole time, it still made me happy that he finally got that gravy in the end. Mmm…there’s no better way to go than death-by-gravy-funnel!
7 Ways to Honor Thy Gravy
Just a smidgen please, Mr. Butlersworth…
This is the Cadillac of all gravy boats. What a grandiose way to float your gravy in style by presenting it in this antique 1724 Sterling Silver Gravy Boat, currently up for auction on eBay. It’s only $4500! Sadly, the white-gloved Mr. Butlersworth is not included.
Got the gravy boat Meh’s? Then represent with a fountain!
Why not?! Wayne Rooney says it’s “F-ing brill!” Plus, the photo below shows the work of someone who really brought this concept to life: The Recirculating Gravy Fountain. That plywood gives me fond memories of preparing for a hurricane back in the south. Mmm….can you imagine what delectable devastation that Hurricane Gravy could bring?! (Thank you Rita Lux for the photo!)
Not impressed by the lack of variety in your average gravy boat & fountain? Then ahoy the No-Drip Gravy Separator!
This is the Jekyll and Hyde of gravy boats. The No-Drip Gravy Separator is perfect for couples with opposing gravy personalities. What…you never thought that far ahead into your gravy love life? This is why I’m here for you. Now you have the chance to allow your dearest schnookums to enjoy a nice lean gravy, which in return, rewards you with more gravy fat skin for your smoothering pleasure!
I’ve got gravy on me fingas!
This is 100% legit. A Japanese Curry Gravy Ring, brought to you by SouZouCreations on Etsy. Just look at that adorable tonkatsu pork cutlet just moments away from being swallowed by that sizzling ocean of brown gravy. One-of-a-kind for $12.50. Oh yes Gravy, I do!!!
Give the taste of victory a whole new meaning!
Referred to as “one of the World’s craziest culinary competitions”, the WGW (World Gravy Wrestling) Championships is going 3 years strong! Competitors have 2 minutes to show off their strengths, while wallowing around in a pool of warm, slippery heaven.
Melt away the day, the brown way.
Okay, so maybe that’s just a photo of someone’s rusty pipe water…but wouldn’t it be nice? I think so! Perhaps a creamy milk gravy bath to soften those rough heals after a long day?
Have a phat pint!
Got an abundance of gravy leftovers, or are you out of substantial food items in which to drizzle your gravy? Invite your best bud over and pour them a nice phatty pint of Ye Ole’ Gravyport instead! It’ll go down slow, warm your soul, and salt your innards. L’chaim!