7 Ways to Honor Thy Gravy
Just a smidgen please, Mr. Butlersworth…
This is the Cadillac of all gravy boats. What a grandiose way to float your gravy in style by presenting it in this antique 1724 Sterling Silver Gravy Boat, currently up for auction on eBay. It’s only $4500! Sadly, the white-gloved Mr. Butlersworth is not included.
Got the gravy boat Meh’s? Then represent with a fountain!
Why not?! Wayne Rooney says it’s “F-ing brill!” Plus, the photo below shows the work of someone who really brought this concept to life: The Recirculating Gravy Fountain. That plywood gives me fond memories of preparing for a hurricane back in the south. Mmm….can you imagine what delectable devastation that Hurricane Gravy could bring?! (Thank you Rita Lux for the photo!)
Not impressed by the lack of variety in your average gravy boat & fountain? Then ahoy the No-Drip Gravy Separator!
This is the Jekyll and Hyde of gravy boats. The No-Drip Gravy Separator is perfect for couples with opposing gravy personalities. What…you never thought that far ahead into your gravy love life? This is why I’m here for you. Now you have the chance to allow your dearest schnookums to enjoy a nice lean gravy, which in return, rewards you with more gravy fat skin for your smoothering pleasure!
I’ve got gravy on me fingas!
This is 100% legit. A Japanese Curry Gravy Ring, brought to you by SouZouCreations on Etsy. Just look at that adorable tonkatsu pork cutlet just moments away from being swallowed by that sizzling ocean of brown gravy. One-of-a-kind for $12.50. Oh yes Gravy, I do!!!
Give the taste of victory a whole new meaning!
Referred to as “one of the World’s craziest culinary competitions”, the WGW (World Gravy Wrestling) Championships is going 3 years strong! Competitors have 2 minutes to show off their strengths, while wallowing around in a pool of warm, slippery heaven.
Melt away the day, the brown way.
Okay, so maybe that’s just a photo of someone’s rusty pipe water…but wouldn’t it be nice? I think so! Perhaps a creamy milk gravy bath to soften those rough heals after a long day?
Have a phat pint!
Got an abundance of gravy leftovers, or are you out of substantial food items in which to drizzle your gravy? Invite your best bud over and pour them a nice phatty pint of Ye Ole’ Gravyport instead! It’ll go down slow, warm your soul, and salt your innards. L’chaim!
Happy Gravy Friday, darlings! Although it’s not as happy as I wanted it to be. But we can still celebrate the wonders of our favorite pourable flavor anyhow. We’re just going to have to do it on the ground.
That’s right, Gravy Friday’s exciting plans to be airborne today for the first time have turned into a full on gravy grounding, thanks to our beloved Transportation Security Administration (also know as TSA, or “those stone-faced sweater people in the airport who always throw your toothpaste and mayo packets away”). I admit, I’ve attempted many mayo packet smugglings in the past because there’s never any mayo in-flight; and eating a dry sandwich while trapped in a flying coffin with even drier recirculating air is like licking sandpaper to me – or worse – chewing on a sunparched 100% silk shirt. Yeck!
What’s all this fuss about gravy and the TSA? You see, I wanted to smuggle some of my gravy aboard an airplane this evening (via a willing Seattle-bound passenger) for Queen Mother Jessica of Simplify Agency. She was expecting a package containing my Great Grandma Hudson’s fried chicken skillet gravy today, so that it would be waiting for her after the World on Fire show tonight. Jessica and I have never met in person and I wanted to help put an end to her long nights staring at my Facebook posts and yearning for a warm hug from my southern gravy. Jessica has gone to great lengths, sending me her famous Hoffa Ham earlier this year via flight, so I wanted nothing more than to return the flavor. (You like that pun?) We both had great plans to introduce ourselves through an exchange of our culinary personalities via airplane, but TSA has destroyed our dreams. I would insert an image of a TSA officer blowing up a gravy bowl filled with dreams here, but I don’t have one handy right now.
Before I go on to the main gist of this post [famous Ivy tangent…] let’s go back to the mayo packets real quick, because that reminds me of this great story my old boss once told me. Apparently one of his employees sat on a plane with Ralph Nader years ago and she witnessed him sucking mayo packets throughout a large portion of the flight. Now, was I turned off upon hearing this? Of course not. It made me love Ralph Nader more because mayo is delicious. I would have done the same if any of my mayo smuggling attempts were successful. Plus, Nader is awesome because he’s the reason we have seat belts in cars so that’s great too. Also, during his 2000 campaign, he let me have Fox news’ seat at a private conference he held when he saw me show up with a homemade ‘Nader 2000’ shirt and found out I drove across the state of Florida with my fellow campaigners just to support him. The look on the Fox news reporter’s face was priceless when we sat in their seat. I know, I know…green party, Ivy? Hey, I was 18 and excited to vote for the first time…and my other choices were Bush or Gore. We all remember that one…
So, if mayo is prohibited, then I should have known gravy would be as well, right? I’m sorry Jessica, I just didn’t think that far ahead. I’m aware that not thinking is a poor excuse, but I admit my faults and I’m going to turn this Gravy Friday grounding experience into a positive one! Here is a list of items you should probably avoid taking to the airport this holiday season to hopefully prevent future heartbreak and trouble.
- Gravy (just in case you missed that)
- Salad Dressing
- Mayo (SO not fair)
- Flan or crème brulée (yes, my birthday flan was confiscated at the Long Beach airport)
- Cream Cheese
- Peanut Butter
- Maple Syrup (they won’t care if you paid $40 for it in Ohio)
- Mashed Potatoes!!! (what the heck?)
- And pretty much anything that falls under a sauce, gravy, custard, or liquid.
Why the banning of such harmless foods? Because all of these food items are undercover terr0r*sts. (I censored that to keep my post from showing up in some crazy search for dangerous food people.) These prohibited foods are no laughing matter. They can apparently boil themselves down to a liquid within seconds after boarding a plane, spontaneously combust, and instantly become a total threat to the safety of our Nation. Now you know. But this doesn’t mean you still can’t have fun! Sometimes I like to show up to the airport early, bring my prohibited items to security and sit right next to the x-ray machine and eat them, while everyone stares. Remember, whenever people stare at you they are just envious; but when they stare at you while you’re eating mashed potatoes and gravy while they’re shuffled like cattle and wanded down by TSA creepers, by gosh they want to BE you. So take your time, enjoy yourself, and when you hear “Sorry sir (or ma’am), no gravy allowed!”. Just sit right down and take a gravy break.
If you do feel the need to complain about the loss of your food rights while traveling, you can always write me. Or, perhaps you will be lucky enough to find this man waiting to serve you direct!
His name is Russell Kanning and he works for the New Hampshire Free Press. If you don’t happen to see him around, he also takes complaints via email: email@example.com. I’m not sure how effective that is, but God Bless him anyway!