Happy Gravy Friday, darlings! Although it’s not as happy as I wanted it to be. But we can still celebrate the wonders of our favorite pourable flavor anyhow. We’re just going to have to do it on the ground.
That’s right, Gravy Friday’s exciting plans to be airborne today for the first time have turned into a full on gravy grounding, thanks to our beloved Transportation Security Administration (also know as TSA, or “those stone-faced sweater people in the airport who always throw your toothpaste and mayo packets away”). I admit, I’ve attempted many mayo packet smugglings in the past because there’s never any mayo in-flight; and eating a dry sandwich while trapped in a flying coffin with even drier recirculating air is like licking sandpaper to me – or worse – chewing on a sunparched 100% silk shirt. Yeck!
What’s all this fuss about gravy and the TSA? You see, I wanted to smuggle some of my gravy aboard an airplane this evening (via a willing Seattle-bound passenger) for Queen Mother Jessica of Simplify Agency. She was expecting a package containing my Great Grandma Hudson’s fried chicken skillet gravy today, so that it would be waiting for her after the World on Fire show tonight. Jessica and I have never met in person and I wanted to help put an end to her long nights staring at my Facebook posts and yearning for a warm hug from my southern gravy. Jessica has gone to great lengths, sending me her famous Hoffa Ham earlier this year via flight, so I wanted nothing more than to return the flavor. (You like that pun?) We both had great plans to introduce ourselves through an exchange of our culinary personalities via airplane, but TSA has destroyed our dreams. I would insert an image of a TSA officer blowing up a gravy bowl filled with dreams here, but I don’t have one handy right now.
Before I go on to the main gist of this post [famous Ivy tangent…] let’s go back to the mayo packets real quick, because that reminds me of this great story my old boss once told me. Apparently one of his employees sat on a plane with Ralph Nader years ago and she witnessed him sucking mayo packets throughout a large portion of the flight. Now, was I turned off upon hearing this? Of course not. It made me love Ralph Nader more because mayo is delicious. I would have done the same if any of my mayo smuggling attempts were successful. Plus, Nader is awesome because he’s the reason we have seat belts in cars so that’s great too. Also, during his 2000 campaign, he let me have Fox news’ seat at a private conference he held when he saw me show up with a homemade ‘Nader 2000’ shirt and found out I drove across the state of Florida with my fellow campaigners just to support him. The look on the Fox news reporter’s face was priceless when we sat in their seat. I know, I know…green party, Ivy? Hey, I was 18 and excited to vote for the first time…and my other choices were Bush or Gore. We all remember that one…
So, if mayo is prohibited, then I should have known gravy would be as well, right? I’m sorry Jessica, I just didn’t think that far ahead. I’m aware that not thinking is a poor excuse, but I admit my faults and I’m going to turn this Gravy Friday grounding experience into a positive one! Here is a list of items you should probably avoid taking to the airport this holiday season to hopefully prevent future heartbreak and trouble.
- Gravy (just in case you missed that)
- Salad Dressing
- Mayo (SO not fair)
- Flan or crème brulée (yes, my birthday flan was confiscated at the Long Beach airport)
- Cream Cheese
- Peanut Butter
- Maple Syrup (they won’t care if you paid $40 for it in Ohio)
- Mashed Potatoes!!! (what the heck?)
- And pretty much anything that falls under a sauce, gravy, custard, or liquid.
Why the banning of such harmless foods? Because all of these food items are undercover terr0r*sts. (I censored that to keep my post from showing up in some crazy search for dangerous food people.) These prohibited foods are no laughing matter. They can apparently boil themselves down to a liquid within seconds after boarding a plane, spontaneously combust, and instantly become a total threat to the safety of our Nation. Now you know. But this doesn’t mean you still can’t have fun! Sometimes I like to show up to the airport early, bring my prohibited items to security and sit right next to the x-ray machine and eat them, while everyone stares. Remember, whenever people stare at you they are just envious; but when they stare at you while you’re eating mashed potatoes and gravy while they’re shuffled like cattle and wanded down by TSA creepers, by gosh they want to BE you. So take your time, enjoy yourself, and when you hear “Sorry sir (or ma’am), no gravy allowed!”. Just sit right down and take a gravy break.
If you do feel the need to complain about the loss of your food rights while traveling, you can always write me. Or, perhaps you will be lucky enough to find this man waiting to serve you direct!
His name is Russell Kanning and he works for the New Hampshire Free Press. If you don’t happen to see him around, he also takes complaints via email: email@example.com. I’m not sure how effective that is, but God Bless him anyway!
This morning I strolled solo to my local farmers market downtown, which is the glorious wonder that pulls me out of bed early on Saturday. Actually, I did have some company this time – the Dracula soundtrack by Philip Glass. As I’m typing this, I’m noticing the irony of Halloween and this music choice, but I swear it must have been subconscious. I actually chose the soundtrack for the motivating dramatic string orchestra, which I thought would set the mood right while I rapidly sorted through delicious produce with the other hungry market goers. With prices around $0.50 per pound, you gotta be fast like a maniac violinist! Little did I know this trip to the farmers market would bring me much more than just a fridge full of goodies. But I’ll save that part for the end.
I will say, I’m generally one who avoids routine due to the lack of surprise it offers. However, when it comes to food shopping I always bust into what I like to call ninja-mode, where I browse the entire selection of goods before making a purchase. Yes, it takes time and patience, but it’s all in the name of my glorious sanity and financial future. I might be going off on a bit of a tangent here, but ninja-mode has been such a life saver. For example, finding a $6 flat of strawberries moments after buying an $8 certified organic one is not my idea of a good day and surely does not reflect the usage of epic ninja-mode. This happened to me once and it made the strawberries taste less awesome when I got them home. I also could have bought two-pounds of apples with that extra two bucks, darnit! Ironically though, in a scenario like the strawberry mishap, I learned some very valuable information. Those two flats of strawberries were both grown organically without pesticides, but only one paid to carry the certified seal. The only way to know something like this is to ask the grower. Often the high costs of being certified organic is a turn-off to farmers, even if they meet the certified organic standards. In fact, many certified foods come with a hefty price tag because of the certification costs, not because it costs more to grow organic. Of course, such isn’t the case for everything and I’m always down to buy certified when necessary, but it helps to inquire about farming practices instead of going by what’s printed on a box, or a big sign. Knowing more than what a label tells you is great power for your health and wallet my friend! And it will make you an awesome food-hunting ninja. With that said, comparison shopping goes beyond just prices, because quality is just as important. This is one of the most golden rules of ninja-mode. Well, that and skipping breakfast to fill up on the free samples while one gets their ninja on.
There are many wonderful farmers markets all over the bay area and world. But I’m going to share a little bit about my favorite one. Each week at the Vallejo Farmers Market you will find a variety of bountiful, fresh and insanely affordable produce. The venders are full of personality as well. You are guaranteed to run into the following characters every Saturday:
- The Bolani guy who I adore, and who always fills me up with samples. However, his prices are almost comparable to taking out a mortgage. But show him small bills and he’ll work with you every time.
- The sweet Thai woman who is so amused by my eagerness to learn about her produce, she nearly charges me half price. She also won’t let me pay for habanero peppers.
- The generous egg man with a sense of humor: “$5 flat of eggs, I sell to you for $4.99!” (he’s just kidding). His eggs are rich and full of flavor.
- The awesome fruit stands that mark everything down at noon. I admit, I troll around with my last few dollars until the clock strikes 12 and I then “fill-er-up!” It’s how I keep my sweet biceps in shape.
- And my very favorite, the raw honey and salami man, who undoubtedly has the most delicious honey on earth. He also has the greatest heart-warming stories about his silky chicken AND he shared his salami sandwich with me today. By the way, that’s a photo of a silky chicken above in case you’re wondering. So cute it hurts.
Every Saturday I lug home two to three large bags full of the freshest and most delicious foods from the bay, for about $20-$30 tops. If I went to Whole Foods (or as my friend Rita Lux likes to call it, “Whole Paycheck”) and bought an identical selection, it’d run me about $85 – and that’s including the discount for bringing my own burlap sacks. Plus, I love the farmers market, as it gives me the opportunity to meet the great people who are feeding me – literally. And I mustn’t miss out on all those adorable silky chicken stories!
While shopping around today and feasting my eyes on all the beautiful produce, the cool bay mist continued to pour in, competing with the sun as noon approached. I was inspired to grab some sweet potatoes and garlic to make a nice warm soup later on. I also splurged on a tiny sweet potato pie from Michelle’s Golden Brown Breads in Modesto – just in case I couldn’t wait for the soup. That surprised me because “splurged” and “couldn’t wait” are rarely in my vocabulary of life. Perhaps this Dracula soundtrack was influencing more than my creative thirst for good music and a good time? The mist and eerie music combined was really starting to have an effect on me. I was feeling a bit sporadic and mysterious…and I kept looking over my shoulder a few times. Was Dracula at the farmers market as well, shopping for blood oranges in ninja-mode just like me? But wait, I thought blood oranges weren’t in season here until November. Spooky.
Suddenly I felt a breeze push up from behind me as I walked through the middle of the street. And then, a firm tap on my shoulder! I whirled around, holding onto my red hat to keep it from falling off. Dracula? Nope. It was a young woman, standing alone with her eyes wide and clear. Her second-ago fearless energy had quickly simmered down to somewhat of a hopeful confusion. “Rosemary?!” she said. “I’m sorry, I’m not. My name’s Ivy…” I smiled back. She stared boldly into my eyes as if I had said nothing to her. “Rosemary, I swear it’s you.” Her eyes shifted away from mine and she gazed off into a place somewhere between where she and I stood. After a moment’s pause, she gathered her thoughts. “I’m sorry. You look just like this girl Rosemary from high school. See…I was mean to her and I just wanted to tell her that I’m sorry.” My heart sank when hearing this, but something inside me kicked in and I immediately wanted to cheer up her up. “Well you can tell her you’re sorry vicariously through me!” I quickly said back. In the middle of my sentence, the young woman threw her arms open and embraced me, as if she already knew what I was going to say. She literally sank into my body like a long lost friend. The tiny drops of mist floating on the fibers of her jacket rubbed off onto my cheek, mimicking the feeling of having just cried. I actually did feel like crying. It was a warm hug and oddly familiar for her being someone I did not know at all. As she let me go, she stepped back and looked at me with the greatest sense of relief I’ve ever seen on a quiet face. “Thank you,” she said. I reached out and grabbed her hand, “You’re welcome.” We did not say goodbye and without another second passing, we exchanged smiles and walked away in opposite directions.
I came across some fuyu persimmons and gala apples just a few steps ahead and began sorting through them. The unique encounter with that young woman was circling in my mind and tugging at my heart like salt-water taffy on a pull. Who was she? What did she do to Rosemary and was I meant to be mistaken for her? Then it hit me. None of these details mattered because I had just given that young woman the chance to forgive herself. I did this unconsciously, as I was without any other intentions aside from cheering her up. Even without knowing anything about her, or Rosemary, or any details as to why she was seeking forgiveness, I was still able to offer her something to fill the emotional gap. It only took a small moment of my time to give a stranger something that could possibly last a lifetime.
Upon realizing this, I looked down at my hand and noticed I picked two of the tiniest persimmons out of the bunch. They were nowhere near each other in the pile, but they seemed to belong together. I don’t mean to get all mushy and spiritual, but sometimes things just feel right, like they belong. Ok I’m lying, I do mean to get all mushy and spiritual because those are some of my favorite parts about life! You know, when things feel so strong, it may often lead you to a much bigger feeling, perhaps even a decipherable one that brings great knowledge later on. As simple as these two tiny persimmons in my palm were, in that moment they became a huge inspiration: we may all grow alone as individuals, but we still grow together as people, where even the smallest gesture of kindness has a chance to leave an everlasting impression. This is not the first time I’ve had this feeling and when it comes around I know it’s rare and special. I didn’t get the chance to ever ask the young women what her name was, but that’s okay, as I still feel we were friends in that short minute of interaction. I have to say, this was by far the most inspiring trip to the farmers market yet.
With Halloween approaching, I thought it’d be a great time to unleash the freaky side of gravy. I am often guilty of making gravy that is nearly too hot for the kitchen, yet alone the average gravy post. Those who already follow my facebook might know what I’m talking about. Today, I will unleash some of the FREAKIEST, SEXIEST, and HOTTEST gravy in the WORLD! If there are any children in the room, you might want to ask them if the mail has arrived and have them go outside and check…
Below you will see 100% exclusive GRAVY GONE WILD photographs!
ALL ORIGINAL, RAW, UNCENSORED GRAVY ACTION!
CATCH SOME OF MY HOTTEST GRAVY:
• RAW IN THE KITCHEN
• NUDE IN THE SKILLET
• DRIPPING DOWN MASHED POTATO MOUNTAINS
• SMOOTHERING EVERYTHING
• AND MORE!
No need to become a member – you can see it all below…
Golly Gee Willikers, that’s some FREAKY GRAVY! 100% RAW and ready to boil!
Oh my! Look at those luscious gravyfalls pouring down the mountain!
Party Gravy is always a hit! No surface goes untouched…
My goodness, such shameless gravy! Bare naked in the skillet…
Gravy so slick and steamy, it causes a biscuit avalanche!
I bet you always wondered how gravy takes a bath?
Whew! That sure was steamy hot! I think it’s time for a cold shower.
Do you know about some freaky gravy as well? Do tell!
Stay tuned for the recipes to these scandalous gravy concoctions! And always, keep submitting your gravy material for future post consideration! Much more gravy this way comes…
PASS THE GRAVY, IT’S FRIDAY!!!
If you happen to possess a heart melting (yet borderline disturbing) love for gravy like I do…then let me extend my toasty oven mit and shake your darling little hand! Welcome, fellow gravy partner! Now before I continue, if you are a non-gravy fan please head on over to gravyhatersanonymous.org – and let me take this moment to truly wish you all the best with your dry-biscuit-and-naked-chicken-fried-steak future. If you do change your mind later on and want to join me over here on the gravyside, I’ll be waiting…or wading rather, in my luscious gravy pool anticipating your return. With that said, all gravy lovers proceed!
By now you probably realize that gravy is my very best friend. I sometimes believe its warm, binding qualities are responsible for holding my very existence together when times are rough, or that it’s the life fuel marinating deep within my veins. I dream about it, sing about it, yearn for it – I may even pledge allegiance to it if I’m feeling political and it’s election time. About once a week I bust out my iron skillet and whirl up some southern gravy, just like my Great Grandma used to make – because that’s what makes me happy. So you get it, I’m gravy crazy. If you are new to gravy hankering, it won’t take long to fall in love, or at least live vicariously through my love. And I’m always down to share some love.
What’s Gravy Friday? It was inspired by David “Pawn” Sandstrom when he replied to one of my many gravy-related tweets this morning, asking me to make a song called Gravy Friday. One thing led to the next and wah-lah, Gravy Friday was born! Proof you say? Hold your hats…
Since David is such an awesome fella, I decided to not only start a song called Gravy Friday in his honor today, but I thought I should make Gravy Friday an official weekly jubilee for everyone to partake in. By official, I mean announcing it on this here blog and hoping you do a little dance or something from excitement…and of course celebrate by sending me your favorite gravy happenings!
So basically my darlings, Gravy Friday is whatever you want it to be as long as the gravy’s invited! I bet you’re wondering how many times can I type “gravy” and “Friday” in this post? Maybe I should start referring to it as GF…
Well alright! I celebrated my first official GF for breakfast this morning. Fresh San Francisco sourdough, hashbrowns, eggs, and chicken gravy!
What makes you wanna celebrate Gravy Friday?
Feel free to pour some photos, stories, links, or gravy on me! I will post your greatest pickin’s every Friday!
Beige, yellow, brown, white – all gravies shall unite.
Your Gravy Godmother